By: Rachel McClard
The LA County Fair (www.lacountyfair.com/2012/) will be going on until September 30th and you can go partake in the… holy shit, what did you say?
“Leave the Skinny Jeans at Home!” That’s one of the slogans for this year’s fair (spotted on a recent drive to Palm Springs but damn it, couldn’t snap a picture!).
Radio ads yell out “Tell your diet to stick it” and newspaper’s are screaming to you “Instead of worrying about gluten, be a glutton!”
Now, I get it. It’s FUN to just say screw it and do whatever the hell you want. And these ads are playing into what people are looking for – an escape from reality, a good ‘ol fried lump of something to dull the pain of the everyday, indulgence that doesn’t hurt anyone (well, except your heart). These ads are acting as the devil on your shoulder - “go ahead, be naughty, eat your cares away!”
Part of going to the fair is the nostalgia involved in the experience. And the food-stuffs of fair-stuffs has always been something to look forward (forward-stuffs?) to.
Eating an entire roll of cotton candy while walking through the fairgrounds COULD remind me of the time I went to the Texas State Fair and did just that around when I was eight or so years old. And that was awesome! But it was the whole experience that made it that way. Not just the cotton candy. It was the heat, the Ferris wheel, standing below Big-Tex and feeling how small I was. I’m not going to be able to replace that memory while walking around the LA County Fair as a 32 year-old.
For starters, my stomach is not like my eight year old self’s stomach. I eat too many pistachio’s now and I’m like “oh, well, need to take a poopy.” And I don’t eat fried foods very often. So if I were to go to the fair and try some of the goodies on their “must-have” list, I think my stomach would literally fall out of my asshole after about ten minutes. That’s a “must-have” I could “duece” without.
Hey, it’s not like I don’t partake in the bad-for-me meal or sweet-tooth number on occasion. But it’s usually something I really, REALLY am looking forward to. But when I see these ads, all I can think of is that scene from Seven where Brad Pitt and Morgan Freeman find the “Big-N-Tall” guy chained to the table and dead from over-consumption. I’m just imagining walking onto the fairgrounds and, all of a sudden, being force fed a turkey leg while a fried pickle and gallon of ice cream is sewn to my hands by a clown and a carny.
All I’m trying to say is why the EXTREME over-indulgence sell? Why does it have to be about gluttony and feeding your face until you can’t move? To say “leave the skinny jeans at home” promotes preparation for said stomach stretching. I have too many other things to scratch off on my to-do list. Preparing for gluttony is something I can leave off.
For some of you that have gone or will be going for this last weekend, you will certainly not have to look very far to find something to nosh on. If you check out the map and go on their food-guide site – there is literally food EVERYWHERE (http://lacountyfair.com/2012/eatshop/food.asp). They should have a scale for when you enter the grounds and then see how much your car weighs when you’re leaving (or maybe measure the distance between the bottom of your car and the ground?).
While parusing the list of calorie packed foods it made me think - aren’t most of these items things you already like, but then made worse by adding chili, butter, cream, or hell, let’s just dump that concoction into a vat of oil and fry it!
Here are some food-stuffs on their fried list:
- Fried Oreos (Why do you have to fry an Oreo? They are perfectly delicious on their own!)
- Fried Kool-Aid (Seriously, let’s be reasonable people. Kool-Aid is to drink – when you are nine, not fry and eat! www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/06/20/deep-fried-kool-aid_n_880268.html)
- Fried Pop-Tart (WHY? Do people actually order this? Has someone had one? I don’t remember the last time I had a REGULAR Pop-Tart)
- Fried Whitecastle burger (You’ll have to wait for Harold and Kumar to place their stoner order first.)
- Fried Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup (Damn it, they got me on this one. I love PB Cups… NO… I will not do it!)
- Fried Pencils (Ok, I threw that one in to see if you were paying attention. But it looks like they fried up everything else so seriously, who would notice?)
These are all things that are pretty bad for you on their own. But they are so BAD, they’re GOOD. They are treats. I LOVE a couple Oreo cookies with a short glass of milk. It’s delicious! But frying those things that are already great doesn’t sound particularly thrilling or creative to me.
It’s just lazy… AND it sounds like a whole lot of time telling myself “Oh, I shouldn’t have eaten that,” or “Jeebus, my stomach feels like shit.”
Or maybe I’m just scared that I would say:
“FUCK. That was good. I wanna try MORE!”
by: Venus Lau
It only takes one… That’s what I tell myself when answering questions on an online dating site I like to call OkStupid. For you slower ones it’s a rhymer to the online dating site known as OkCupid. Now I’m not here to bash online dating. I’m obviously a participant in this oooh so digital world. I’m here to share the entertainment of what I like to call “reality browsing.” It’s way better than reality shows because you get to participate in answering the silly questions that tell you if you are compatible with a potential “partner in crime,” (I swear if I hear one more guy say that… ugh!) and you get to read other people’s answers to the same questions. I understand some of the basic questions like:
“Have you ever been in love?”
“Do you have any children?”
“How important is a sense of humor?”
“Are you looking for a long-term relationship?”
“Outgoing or Shy?”
Yes, you want to get a basic knowledge of someone’s personality. Kinda important, right? BUT! BUT, there are some questions OKStupid likes to ask that are just comedy at its best…
“Do you believe in dinosaurs?”
“Which is bigger? The Sun or Earth?”
“Did America really put a man on the moon?”
None of these are opinion based questions, THEY ARE FACTS! And if you don’t know the answer you’re either 2 years old or a total retard, and ultimately undateable. They might as well ask me, “Do you believe unicorns can birth pigs?” Even if they answer the question right, these questions bear no relevance to an ideal partner! Only that they have a functioning brain. Must I have to ask for that? But the questions certainly did make me chuckle.
Here’s a section I like to call - REALLY?…
“How important is your partner’s breath to you?”
“Do you frequently bathe or shower?”
“Would you read a book just for fun?”
“Do you think that masturbation is an acceptable practice?”
I love it when a guy doesn’t shower and refuses to brush his teeth, don’t you? OkStupid, really? Hygiene and dating kinda go hand-in-hand, need I say more? Reading books - If you’ve never read a book for fun, you’re not a real adult. You are a character swimming in a sea of Duff beer in the mind of Homer Simpson. And masturbation, yes! I don’t want to self-implode! We all need a lil “me” time ;).
“If you were in a long term relationship and your partner gained weight due to something like surgery or childbirth, would you think less of them as a person?”
They should’ve just asked… Are you a horrible person who deserves to die? “Think less of them as a person?” That punchline is so bad it’s good (wink, wink)… I wish my job was to come up with these questions.
“Do you like the taste of blood?”
“Do you have rape fantasies?”
“Do you feel there are any circumstances in which a person is obligated to have sex with you?”
Ummm, say what the fuck?! Blood - Are you a wannabe vampire lame-o? Rape fantasies - Hmmm, what would that first date be like? Obligated to have sex with you - Okay, I did answer “Yes” but only to humor myself.
“Imagine you’re on your way home, when your date suddenly speeds up to hit an animal crossing the road. Is a second date in your future?”
When I imagine a guy doing that on a date it’s horrifying. When I imagine a girl doing that on a date there’s more of a belly laughter that lashes out… so nutty! I’m pretty sure she would be placing herself in the “crazy but hot enough to bang” category.
“Do you maintain a current profile on a social networking site such as MySpace or Facebook?”
BWAHAHAHA!!! Did they say MySpace?!
And here is a section I like to call RIDICULOUS ANSWER CHOICES…
“If your partner got in the way of your goals what would you do? Crush them / Discuss it and compromise / Quietly deal with it?”
Yes, Crush them! But “how would you crush them” should be the follow up question - with your hopes, dreams, and a flatscreen TV perhaps? Discuss it and compromise - “Hi, honey. So you kinda suck the life outta me, so let’s either breakup or I’ll just resent you forever.” Quietly deal with it - You F@ck’n coward!
“Which of the following would be most likely to scare you away? Sexual fetish / Bad temper / Mild mental illness / History of bad credit?”
All of the above was not an answer choice! Please don’t have any of those! Okay, sexual fetish and bad credit not as bad. But my brain obviously goes to the extreme answer of all the options, I’m thinking… Clown ‘n’ feces fetish / Break shit all over my apartment / Screaming ‘n’ crying in the fetal position in public / Selfish ‘n’ unreliable with end result of being cheap.
“Imagine you are sitting alone in a park and a squirrel hops up and starts talking to you in a clear voice. Which of the following do you do… Converse with the creature / Ignore it - it can’t be real / Run, scream, shit pants, or otherwise freak out / Capture the creature for science?”
Again, why can’t I be the one who gets to write these questions? This one cracked me up. Duh, obviously I’d converse with the lil’ guy! I like that OkStupid actually said “shit pants.” How drunk was the writer of these questions? What scientific formula helped generate this question that will somehow tell me if I am compatible with a potential suitor? If you know, please pass the info along.
The following section is called TOO SOON…
“Which pubic hair style do you prefer for a partner?”
“How often do you masturbate?”
“Do you have names for your future children already picked out?”
Can we save a lil’ mystery for the dates please? Pubic hair is a great first date topic! Not really, but why do we need to share that on the world wide web? Hey, I ain’t no prude. But whatever your answer, you are telling them what YOUR pubes are trimmed like. “I prefer a lightning bolt.”
Masturbation - I don’t want a stranger to know that. Why? Cause we all judge each other. We do, we really do. If it’s too much, then “Oh, she’s sex crazy or slutty!” If it’s not enough, then “She’s not in touch with herself and must suck in bed.” If you don’t masturbate at all, then yeah I’d judge him or think he was an alien without a crotch zone.
Future children names - ATTENTION WOMEN… even if you do, say you DON’T! Yes, it’s fun to come up with cute names, but it’s also WEIRD when those names have been etched in concrete since you were in high school, especially for men. Although, I did come across a couple of guy’s profiles that said they do… Yep, still weird. Just live in the moment. Tell me that shit later when we actually have a relationship, not pre-date material.
There are plenty more questions I’d love to poke fun at. And although I’m making fun, I gotta admit they do give a hint of insight. Don’t knock online dating ‘til you try it, right? It’s just another avenue to meet cool or weird people, and I hope this insight has made you giggle at least twice. People’s answers will be in another future blog. I’m done ranting for now but I would love to hear your comments on Facebook or Twitter!
Rachel has a conversation with Maxy Lau to get her opinion on “Oogieloves in the BIG Balloon Adventure” movie.
This is a segment we’ll call “Maxy’s Corner.”
Rachel: Hey, Maxy!
Maxy: Hey. Paws up?
Rachel: Oh, not a lot, what’s up with you? Have you seen the Oogieloves movie?
Maxy: Paw-lease. Why would anyone watch that shit?
Rachel: Maxy, watch your mouth.
Maxy: What’d I do? What did you paw-hink I said?
Rachel: Never mind. Anyway, not that many people did see it. It was the biggest flop in movie history. And only made $207 per movie screen. (EW article link re: the flop)
Maxy: What did they ex-pawct? Paw-ple don’t want to sit through a paw-diculous movie whose only enter-pawning factor is the horri-paw-ness of it.
Rachel: Maxy, quit it with the paw usage. It doesn’t work for every word.
Maxy: Oh, paw-really?
Rachel: Ugh… okay. So, have you ever heard of an “Oogieloves?”
Maxy: A paw-what?
Rachel: An “Oogie.” The movie? What we’re talking about right now?
Maxy: Oh, yeah. Paw-rankly, when I saw the first paw-ster, I was like What-The-Paw? What are these paw-tures and are they gonna paw-nal probe me?
Rachel: I don’t think a kid’s movie would involve an anal probe.
Maxy: I’d paw-ther have my anal glands ex-pawsed than see two seconds of any Oogie Paw-loon movie. Now, can I paw-lease have a bone?
A SIDE NOTE FROM RACHEL:
I bet that everyone behind this movie is scratching their heads, wondering what happened and why the box office numbers were so abmissmal. But, the film economy today is VERY unpredictable and it takes a lot to get those seats filled. Movies are more expensive to make, market and distribute than every before. Why wasn’t it debuted on DVD? Parents would have been more apt to spend $1.25 at a Redbox than $12+ at a theater (that’s considering it’s just one adult and one child for a matinee in Los Angeles).
And the $207 that it DID make in each theater over the weekend – it actually surprises me that it made even that much. The “Oogie’s” are not well known (I had to look them up online when I first saw the poster - and they are kind of creepy), the title itself makes it seem cheap, AND I think Maxy could write a more interesting storyline (hey, let’s go find some balloons that got away, snores-ville!).
I mean – Maxy did say she’d rather have her anal glands expressed than watch this. You’d think that kids would have rather gone to a park, go grab a snow-cone or go visit great-grandma’s grave. And well, I guess a lot of that did happen instead of sitting their asses in theater seats to check-out this “paw-sense,” as Maxy would say.
Oh, Maxy, you are so paw-dictable!